Year 2010 is coming to an end. What a year it has been. Looking back, I had a pretty harrowing year 2009. I don’t really want to go so much into that, but my close friends know how “crazy” I got, especially towards the end of the year. 2010 on the other hand, was a period of spiritual maturity and I felt that things were a lot more easy-going for me. Well, that’s not really true either. It was very very disappointing for me at some points, but the fact is that I overcame it and… here I am today! *ba da dum!* At a point where I can mark “satisfied” on a form where they ask me to rate how happy I am with life. (Usually I would mark, “could be better”)
On the home front, I am pretty close to my parents now… totally no drama, strife, petty arguments, simmering resentment, etc. I used to look forward to growing up so that I could move out of the house, but now I love everything about this place so much, ESPECIALLY the cute old couple in the house. For my brother, I have no problems with him, but I think he has problems with me. Either that or he’s partially deaf, cos seems like when I ask him questions, he just walks away. Can’t help it, maybe the way I phrase things sounds like I’m trying to intimidate him, but actually I was trying to break the ice and start a conversation with him. Of course, no need to mention – my sister and my brother-in-law, I definitely am ok with. Love them to bits!
For friends, also happy that managed to maintain friendships and did not lose any. I’m no longer so hung up on lost friendships either. Let bygones be bygones. This year, I had to confront a friend about something that she did, and it was actually really hard for me, but I’m glad that I managed to do it and still keep the friendship intact. I know I’m writing this as if it’s a big deal, when it’s small potatoes to people. You have beef with them, you talk about it, minum some teh / beer, and all is alright in the world. But for my friendships, very drama one lor. Trust me on this. ;P
I’m also surprised that my chinese horoscope for the year 2010 came true on two important accounts. One said that I would be more spiritually inclined this year … building up my relationship with God… 
. The second “prediction” said that I would have “peach blossom love luck”, which if you knew what I went thru in December last year, you wouldn’t think is possible at all. Seriously, I was so demotivated in December that I was thinking of staying single for the rest of my life. I had it all planned out. I would have an 1400sq ft apartment and my car and 2 cats to keep me company for the rest of my life. How would I get $$ for the apartment? I planned to work for a few years in Laos / Cambodia, which is actually an idea that is now abhorrent to me, not because of the place or the people, but because of the amount of crap work that the IT side goes through. Yet I would do it just for $$ sake.
I found some old emails that I sent to my friend Ching (who used to work in the same company as me), and this was me circa Dec 2009 – early Jan 2010. As you read, you can see the thread of thought in my head at that time la – miserable @ work, with love life, miserable @ myself, feeling hopeless (I only edited the contents slightly to omit personal details, spelling mistakes and paragraphing. Content itself not changed) :
“Hahaha… omg.. i just wrote on my blog that if u give me more $$ i don’t mind less off days… hahaha. But i do agree that leaving for lower pay job is not so good. at least find one with the same amount… unless u leaving for singapore (lower pay, higher currency, lol).”
“yeah, if the work experience you’re getting here is not worth it, then i guess the money won’t make it worth it also. for me, the work experience here is worth it, but the compensation is not enough… not enough appreciation.
i really thot u could read my mind that’s why i was so shocked. i dun expect you to still be reading my blog, thanks for the support, lol. if u read that entry then salute… i wrote til so long… all d complaints complaints complaints… “
“great you are in good mood. i am bad mood, the late reply due to production problems. my life filled with production problems. 
“
“i am really stressed out til sick now but still at work. got a bit of headache , got cough + sore throat. this coming saturday need to team teach a class @ the gym some more. lolz. “
“my headache caused by stress one. seriously.. i can feel it throb harder when i face a new problem…. don’t want to get heart attack by 30.”
“Lol.. .ya, I don’t want high blood pressure, stroke, heart attack, etc. So sucky.. had headache over the weekend… the same stress related headache. Monday … ok again so cannot get MC… sux!!!”
“sigh… maybe i should stop teaching if it makes me so stressed!! i don’t have the time to devote properly to learning the tracks to teach. i know that’s not a good excuse, should “make time”, but sometimes when u are already tired, u just dowan to do things that make u even more tired… thing is, i do like teaching … occasionally. tho it makes me stressed. lolz.”
“there’s definitely no wedding invitation la.! i am gonna become a lou ku por!!”
“U are like the 2304923582483642 person to tell me tat i think too much of what others think, but i think it’s a good quality to have lor. if u are concerned on how others see u, u can further improve, etc etc.”
“someone told me that if i’m so choosy, it’s gonna be difficult for me cos he said women are WORTHLESS when they get older while a guy gets worth MORE and MORE… wait la til he got ED and 50 yrs old.. see who still want him. anyway, i don’t think I am choosy la.. “
“i dunno why you and my friend (the one who said older women are WORTHLESS) have so much confidence in me that i won’t become expired goods, but I have no confidence in myself. seriously, i am trying my best to become more lui keong yan. thinking of buying house by myself, learning more about cars so that dun have to depend on guy… as for PC stuff, sememangnya i know already. the only thing i need a guy for is to help me chase away butterfly n moth… kakakaka…!! ok, and i do want kids.”
“i think no guy actively looks for gals above 30 years old la. since i’m almost expired goods already, that’s why preparing self. like those preparing bomb shelter… gosh… T__T
lol, well what i wanna know more about cars is just basic stuff… if something happens, i can self-diagnose and impress the mechanics.. take care on what to jaga. last time i don’t even know WHAT’S the point of changing the engine oil. I’m like… got oil in the petrol tank already, what’s the oil for? u know, like really helpless woman kinda case. at least now i know what it’s for la.. hahaha. “
“hahaha, need to work hard la. i want house, car, since can’t depend on others , have to depend on self. i haven’t even really work even more… maybe i should start to sell amway or something, but i’m rotten at sales! “
“i’m not choosy, but i won’t be with a guy just for the sake of being with a guy. Sigh!! this kinda behavior sure will be single for very long.”
” whatever it is, hope to find it soon.. dun mind to work hard when young, but when 60+ years still ask me to work hard then that means i have failed… lol “
“I like to finish things faster… dun mind to suffer earlier.. ahhaha. cannot stop shopping for investment… as a girl, investment in how I look (thru shopping) is important too. hahahahhaahaha. what’s the use of being rich if cannot spend. if 40 years old only rich enough and can go shopping then too late. anyway thank goodness for me i’m not the type who MUST HAVE luxury bags. for me, those are nice to have, but not must have. I think the only thing i will invest in is my children (again talking about kids)… whatever kinda tuition i will also give to them.. hahhaa…. piano, tennis, ballet, gymnastics, school tuition, bowling.. whatever la.. hahahhahaaa… “
“that guy is so immature, what more one which is even younger. but those old guys like 30+ i noticed are super jaded + corrupted wan til i dunno what to say“
Anyway, now I’m with Tron, who is 30+, but he is neither super jaded (or even jaded) and super not corrupted. Hahaha. When I found these emails still residing in my archives, I really laughed my arse off. I was too consumed by what others thought of me… but seriously, if you were in my shoes last year, you would have had very low self-esteem as well.
But a few things that remain are :
- I still feel very demotivated about my job. I really want to be more motivated and have the passion that I had about working when I was younger. Right now, I feel (once again) that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve become one of those miserable old hags in the office that tell the young people that its useless trying to do everything 100% perfect, and to do creepy shortcuts because the users themselves don’t know what the heck is going on. I used to be so 100% committed to user satisfaction, but now I kinda hate them. O_O I know I shouldn’t say this out, but it’s different working on the current system and when I was attached to the mainframe system (super stable system). My users were in the head office, I can see them anytime, they can call me up to talk crap anytime (after discussing finish work matters, of course). With the current system, you can FEEL the user doesn’t like to talk to you, they also don’t know how to answer you. They don’t even speak the same language as you. Sometimes you feel like they are stupid, but maybe it’s you who are stupid. It’s just a frustrating feeling inside me, I don’t know how to describe it.
One thing is — I acknowledge this is a shortcoming in me. I am impatient, and yes, I like to compare myself to others, and needless to say, I am a martyr. Everyone else has it easier, so I feel like compensation is not enough for this crap that I have to deal with day in and day out. It’s beginning to show too, and I hate myself for it. I am snappy, sometimes downright insolent. I don’t have the motivation to come in to work on time, as usually, even though I come in early, I have to stay late because when dealing with branches in different time zone, their day-end closing (when errors usually discovered) is usually just when we have packed our bags and wanting to go home. Can you imagine? Thinking about going home, your phone rings, and dread creeps in. You know you won’t be going home on time anymore.
Maybe you think that this is life! That’s work! But why do my other colleagues get to just do their projects from 9-6, and then go home? Why is there no need for branch support? I’m an application programmer, not branch support. Why did my colleagues get to handle systems that are so much more stable-r, and their “enhancements” are either new reports or extractions to interface to another system. Why did I get the rotten hand to pull a system that has so many flaws and shortcomings that enhancements done to it usually mean rewriting core modules at work? And touching core modules for a system that was written with comments in a language you don’t speak usually spell disaster lor. No amount of testing could detect the stuff that comes out. I constantly live in fear after a program implementation. Even if it’s not done by me. Cos even if we don’t make the mistake, we all live with the repercussions.
So sincerely, I pray, to change this mindset.
To stop thinking that there is no end. There is an end! A happy ending!
To not work with the hope of getting rewards, as a good job done is a reward in itself. This is corny, and is really hard to swallow, honestly. But let’s see how far I can take this.
To stop comparing with others, because everyone will think that someone else’s work is easier, the grass is always greener on the other side.
As Monty Python says – Look On The Bright Side Of Life!
::Okay, today I randomly just talked to my boss about the abovementioned stuff, and IRONICALLY (in contrast to all those items I wrote to my friend in pink & blue, she asked me, “Why LC? Why do you feel demotivated? If you feel demotivated to come to work, what would you rather be doing?” Before I could answer her, she said, “Be a siu lai lai at home is it?” Whatttttt…. So unfair to me, boss!
But after that, she talked to me about the problems & concerns that I have been having, and I am just glad that I got all of it off my chest. End of the year already, better not bring any “extra baggage” from 2010 to cross over to the new year. ;P::
The second item mentioned in the emails above, that I still deal with now, is how I feel about team teaching after my certification last year. After last year, I imagined that I would be super pro in Body Attack by now. In fact, I haven’t done Body Attack in about 6 months. This knee problem is really affecting my gym life, and my weight is a testimony of how it affects me. -___- Raymond told me the other day that I have a double chin. Well, anyone who presses their chin to their neck will have a double chin (I think… please do not tell me you don’t ahhh), but I do feel that my face is getting puffier. Though I would like to think that the weight I gain is in terms of muscle, I don’t think I’m that muscular that it would warrant such a number on the scale.
Actually, even if my knee is better, I would not be doing Body Attack frequently anyway. The passion is just gone. It’s pretty sad, I know. I just don’t have the time to devote to BA as I used to. The passion used to be there for Body Combat as well, but even that is slowly going. I did consider doing Body Combat training, just to see how far I can progress there. But then the knee problem came, and the doctor told me to take two months off. At first, I was aghast, couldn’t imagine even one week without BC. Now it’s been two months and I’m like meh. True, I went back to BC on Monday, and I was really hyped up (especially with the new release – it’s nice!), but my stamina was so bad. I nearly fainted in the last track! Can you believe that? I used to be the Nicki Minaj of Body Combat ok? “Baby, I’m The Best”, “So far ahead, you be gaggin’” , etc etc. More on Nicki later. But anyways, I felt like I was so teruk that day lor! Some more my form was totally out. Can you imagine, I used to have high knees up to nearly my chest k! Now it’s like just at the waist level only. My front kicks totally no power. My lunges cannot make it.
I really need to see a sports doctor. This is pissing me off.
However, there were some moments of pride for me in terms of exercise this year – completed my first ever 10km run @ Bidor, and even won the IT running competition at the office. I’ve kept waxing lyrical on this issue, so I’m going to quit harping on it though.
So my resolutions for 2011 is simple:
a. to grow my spirit man (this is a term I learned from Tron). Currently I’ve just finished the Book of Ecclesiastes (and I admit, skipped forward to read the Book of Jonah, just because so many people kept bringing it up. Thank God, only 2 pages, hehe). I plan to finish reading the Old Testament and New Testament by middle of 2011 (is that too ambitious?) and to do more QT.
I also have like 7 books that JP loaned me to read, and I bought about 3-4 other books from Salvation, plan to include all this together with the other books I usually read. I don’t think I made 70 books a year for 2010, but maybe halfway there? Must be more diligent in reviewing the books I read. =\
Currently I’m only serving in the church website, but I want to serve in different areas at the same time. Interested in cooking, PA system and the Caremart system!
b. to learn a new language — as I wrote on my Facebook, I am going to try picking up Spanish again. Long ago, it was supposed to be THE language to gossip in (actually, talk bad in) between Ben and myself. I bought the BBC book and tapes, but it was really half-hearted. It doesn’t help when your friend keeps insisting to you that the only way you’re going to ever speak it properly is if you actually live in Madrid or something. Right now, I only know :
~ buenos diaz / tardes / noches
~ bien
~ perdon
~ hola
~ senor
~ rebajas
I feel like I have written down the above before… super deja vu. This shows how much I have “progressed” since my first attempt. ;p
c. build up my stamina again — if possible, when my knee gets better, I am seriously considering doing BC training. I’m not going to aim to do 10km marathons anymore though, because I have a feeling that that is what contributed to my current condition.
d. launch my blogshop — been planning this for a long while, and I have tested out a few suppliers and they seem pretty reliable. It’s going to be a pretty small scale, so don’t expect anything huge, but if things pick up, who knows? 
e. buy my own place — really been itching for this for a very long while already. I will actually SCOUT for places instead of scouting places from my chair in front of the office. Ok, this is embarassing to admit, but the office actually tracks what websites we visit, and recently I was confronted with a list of “non-work-related” sites. This included the suppliers for the blogshop I was planning on opening (so there were a lot of wholesale websites, paypal setups, make-up sites) and property websites. My boss said, “How am I going to explain this to upper management? They are asking me whether you are doing property investment, with the amount of websites that you are trawling!” Hahahahaha! Please la, you all know how much you are paying me lah, how can I do “property investment”. I one also don’t have.
f. cook more! — discovered the joy of cooking this year, and very happy that I got to experiment a lot. But I want to try cooking more difficult stuff, and be a more careful & conscientious cook! Currently, I like to take a lot of lazy shortcuts.
There! Just 6 simple resolutions… but is very major (to me, haha!). It’s probably a repetition every year, but although I still make the same resolutions, I do feel myself growing better, so the resolutions is basically a reminder to keep it up. ;p
Chicken “ching tong” soup with LOTS of kailan and some jiaozi (chinese chives + pork!! dumplings), fried okra with chili sambal, and the fried jiaozi. Yes, a lot of dumplings because I ended up making like 25 pieces! The cost per dumpling is about 40 sen, so think about that the next time you eat “siew sek” and they charge RM1 per wantan. Oh, and I had to run out just to get chinese chives! It’s also known as ‘ku choy’.
Steamed chocolate cake…. I said it looks like a monster because it rose up SO much! Hahaha… so surprising considering that the entire batter was like SOUP.
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